Ten Ways to Annoy Carlisle Cullen
by OoOoOoO-Paris-Falls-OoOoOoO
Summary: CarlisleIsAlwaysSoCalmAndCollectedNothingEverSeemsToAnnoyHimButEmmettKnowsDifferently:LetMeBePerfectly Clear:IDoNotOwnTheRightsToThisListSomeoneToldMeThatNikatil@DeviantArtWroteTheActualList,IWroteTheStoriesThat YouWillFindInThisFanFic
1. Chapter 1

**10 Ways to Annoy Carlisle Cullen **

**10.** Tell him only to address you in a cute English accent.

**9.** Call him Carlisle, but be sure to pronounce the "s". When he corrects you, give him a weird look and tell him the "q" is silent.

**8.** Ask if blondes really do have more fun.

**7.** Inquire as to what he actually does on his night shift on the hospital, with all the pretty nurses in the ER.

**6.** Instead of telling him to "get lost" in an argument, tell him to swim to France.

**5.** When he annoys you, respond with "times have changed, old man".

**4.** Ask what type of superhuman power compassion is – what does he do in a fight? Love thy enemy to death?

**3.** Leap out from behind the desk in his study when he isn't expecting it and spray him with Holy Water.

**2.** Call him McSteamy or McDreamy.

_And the Number One way to annoy Carlisle Cullen?_

Run around the Emergency Room screaming "I've been bitten! I've been bitten!"

**Okay I guess that I didn't write this when I posted this chapter before, but now that someone has alerted me to the fact here's my disclaimer: I DID NOT WRITE THIS LIST. I AM NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHO THIS LIST BELONGS TO, I FOUND THIS ON SOMEONE'S FANFIC PROFILE AND I CAN'T REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE. ONCE AGAIN I DID NOT WRITE THE LIST. JUST THE STORIES BEHIND THE LIST. Now that that's out of the way on with the real story.**


	2. Chapter 2

Number 10: Tell him only to address you in a cute English accent.

Carlisle came down the long stairway wearing his pristine white lab coat and looking over some papers from the hospital where he worked.

His adopted sons Edward and Emmett where in the living room of the Cullen mansion along with Emmett's wife Rosalie and Carlisle's wife Esme. Edward and Rosalie were currently engaged in a heated chess battle.

Edward was loosing - by a lot.

This was mostly due to the fact that Edward's special power was his ability to read minds. Unfortunately for Edward his ability could not be turned off and Emmett had recently learned to project his thoughts into Edward's brain, thus giving Rosalie a clear advantage.

Edward's hands were clenched in frustration and were it not for his ultra-tough vampire skin, Carlisle was sure that Edward would have broken the skin on the palms of his hands.

Carlisle, realizing what Emmett was doing to cause Edward to loose so horribly to Rosalie, sighed.

"Emmett, stop thinking whatever you're thinking before Edward rips your head off."

The massive Emmett snapped his head up to look at Carlisle with his still bright red newborn eyes, and grinned evilly.

"Only if you address me in an English accent."

Carlisle shot Emmett a look that clearly said how annoyed he was.

"Ah no, I think not, and Edward I won't hold you responsible for anything you may or may not do to Emmett while I'm gone."

Edward grinned ruefully and chuckled lowly as Carlisle walked out of the front door and slammed the door to his car.

"Excellent."

Edward tackled Emmett, successfully knocking over the couch that Emmett was sitting on. The two wrestled for a while, crashing together with sounds like thunder.

For a while Edward, as the older and more experienced fighter seemed to have the upper hand. However in the end it was Emmett with his newborn strength added to the fact that after his first year he would still probably be the strongest vampire that the Cullen's ever encountered won the wrestling match.

Edward didn't care. That tackle felt good.

**So what did you think? Remember 5 reviews or I won't go on.**


	3. Chapter 3

Number Nine: Call him Carlisle, but be sure to pronounce the "s". When he corrects you, give him a weird look and tell him the "q" is silent.

Carlisle Cullen had just gotten home from a long day at the hospital. He was covered in spilled medicine and various other bodily fluids that one would find in the ER. It had been a long day with too many people that didn't make it for Carlisle's liking.

He just wanted to bathe and settle down in front of the fireplace with his most recent book.

"Carleaselay!"

Carlisle ground his teeth together, Emmett was at it again. Carlisle could have sworn that the newborn's goal in existence was to annoy him.

When Carlisle made no verbal response to Emmett's mispronunciation of his name, Emmett talked louder.

"CARLEASELAY! HELLOOOOOOOOOOO? Is anybody home?"

Emmett knocked on the top of Carlisle's head a few times.

"Carleaselay?" Emmett called out again.

In swift movement that Emmett nearly missed, Carlisle spun around on his heel and grabbed Emmett's wrist.

"Okay Emmett, I know you're new to this whole lifestyle, but there are only three rules in the vampire world. Don't reveal our existence, don't provoke the Volturi, and don't provoke your coven leader. At the moment you are not doing that great of a job of following that last rule."

Emmett was stunned.

"Oh."

"My name is pronounced car-lyle. Not Carleaselay."

Emmett cocked his head and gave Carlisle a funny look.

"What are you talking about? The 'q' is silent. Duh."

**5 reviews for the next chapter, anonymous reviews accepted, **


	4. Chapter 4

Number eight: Ask if blondes really do have more fun.

Carlisle was in his office filling out still more paperwork when a soft knock was heard at his door.

He sniffed the air, detecting the scent of blood and the hearing the wet slapping of a beating heart. Carlisle breathed a sigh of relief, it was only Edward's human girlfriend Bella.

Carlisle called out that she could enter, and slowly the large oak door opened, the tiny Bella stepping in as silently as she could.

"Yes Bella?" Carlisle asked, briefly lifting his head up from his papers to look at her.

"Well umm. I have a question to ask you." Bella said nervously.

"What is it?"

"Okay, uh, well here goes. Do blondes really have more fun?"

Carlisle laughed, gesturing towards Bella's brown locks.

"Why do you ask? Thinking about changing your hair color?"

Bella scuffed her foot on the ground.

"No, Emmett dared me to ask."

**5 reviews for the next chapter, anonymous reviews accepted**


	5. Chapter 5

Number seven: Inquire as to what he actually does on his night shift on the hospital, with all the pretty nurses in the ER.

"So Carlisle what do you do on the night shift with all the pretty nurses in the ER?" Esme inquired innocently

"I lay about and wonder when I can get back home to you darling." Carlisle said sweetly.

Emmett, elsewhere in the house made gagging noises.

Carlisle rolled his eyes and called out. "Rosalie will you take care of that thing for me please?"

A loud smack and Emmett's yelp of pain echoed throughout the house.

:"Thanks Rosalie."

**Eep. Short even for this fic, so I'll be nice and post the next chapter no matter how many reviews I get.**


	6. Chapter 6

Number six: Instead of telling him to "get lost" in an argument, tell him to swim to France.

"Emmett you have got to stop bothering me, I have to get this paperwork done."

"But Carlisle," Emmett whined. "I'm bored, and besides you could get all this done in five minutes."

"Yes, but not in a hospital office with windows that people can see inside." Carlisle told Emmett as quietly as he could.

"But-"

"No Emmett, now go away. I have to get this paperwork done, and I'd like to get it done soon, I do have a life outside of the hospital."

Emmett pretended to be hurt, sticking his lower lip out in a pout. When Carlisle ignored him, Emmett stomped his foot hard enough to make Carlisle's desk shake.

"You know what Carlisle?"

"What?"

"You can just go swim to France!" and with that Emmett stormed out of Carlisle's office.

**5 reviews for the next chapter, anonymous reviews accepted**


	7. Chapter 7

Number five: When he annoys you, respond with "times have changed, old man".

Emmett was lying on his back in the Cullen garage wrestling with a new addition that he planned on afixing to the back of his jeep.

"Emmett you can't put a rocket engine on your jeep." Carlisle pointed out

"Why not? It's not like it'll kill me if I crash it."

Carlisle sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, a habit he had picked up from Edward.

"Emmett there is no possible way to explain to the police what you're doing with a rocket engine, where you got it, or even how you got it on your car."

Emmett shot Carlisle a hard look.

"Come on old man the times have changed."

"You're going to be changed into a pile of ash if you don't take that thing off right now."

Emmett grumbled under his breath but did what he was told, sticking his tongue out a Carlisle when his back was turned.

"Ruins all of my fun…"

**5 reviews for the next chapter, anonymous reviews are accepted.**


	8. Chapter 8

Number four: Ask what type of superhuman power compassion is – what does he do in a fight? Love thy enemy to death?

"Oh no." Edward and Alice whispered simultaneously.

Everyone turned to look at them.

"What?"

"Everything just disappeared from Alice's sight, the wolves must be planning to attack." Edward explained tersely, his hand clenched in a fist on his leg.

Carlisle sprang into defense mode.

"Edward and Jasper, you two go and patrol the eastern border." the vamps took off, Edward with a last look at Bella that begged her to forgive him for what he might do to her friends in the coming hours. "Esme, Rosalie and Alice, you can take Bella to the shelter in the woods." Esme lifted Bella onto her back with Rosalie in the front of her and Alice behind. They left before Bella could so much as question the shelter that she had never previously heard about.

"Emmett," Carlisle sighed. "That leaves you and me to patrol the western border."

Emmett grinned and the pair took off, flying through the trees. About halfway to the border Emmett called out to Carlisle.

"What is it Emmett?"

"Since your superhuman power is like compassion and everything, what are you going to do when we do meet up with the wolves?"

"What do you mean?" Carlisle's voice was uncharacteristically harsh.

"Well, what are you going to do, " Emmett chuckled, " Love the dogs to death?"

Carlisle turned around and had thrown Emmett into a tree before he realized what had happened.

The pair was too busy fighting to make it to the border.

**5 reviews for the next chapter, anonymous reviews accepted**


	9. Chapter 9

Number three: Leap out from behind the desk in his study when he isn't expecting it and spray him with Holy Water.

Carlisle leaned back in his office chair taking a deep much needed breath. Before him was an enormous book, an ancient text that had been sent to him by Aro for translating.

Carlisle rubbed his forehead 'Does the work never end?'

Something in front of Carlisle's desk made a soft thunk, but when he leaned forward to look where the noise had emmited from, nothing was there.

Carlisle shrugged it off as a figment of his imagination and went back to work. He had translated three pages of the ancient Latin text when suddenly Emmett, Jasper, and Bella sprang up in front of Carlisle's desk armed with squirt guns.

"The power of Christ compels you!" Emmett shrieked as the three of them sprayed Carlisle with the contents of their squirt guns.

By the time they had run out of ammo, Carlisle and the now ruined book before him, were soaked.

Carlisle spit out a mouthful of water.

"That better have been water." he growled.

"Holy water." Bella and Jasper automatically corrected.

**5 reviews for the next chapter, anonymous reviews accepted**


	10. Chapter 10

**Call him McSteamy or McDreamy.**

"Carlisle!" Edward called from his and Bella's spot on the Cullen's back porch. Bella was clutching her arm to her chest.

Carlisle appeared in an instant, and knelt down to survey the damage to Bella's arm.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Bella tripped up the stairs, and I was still in the woods so I didn't get here in time to catch her. I think she might have broken her arm but I'm not sure." **(A/N I know I know Edward has medical training and is far to qualified to be a doctor, but for arguments sake lets say he doesn't.)**

By the time Edward had finished explaining, the rest of the Cullen's had ventured over to the back porch to see what was going on. Carlisle left to retrieve his equipment. Bella flushed red with embarassment as the Cullen's stared on.

"Bella, you shouldn't feel bad, broken bones happen all the time, it's fine." Jasper reassured her.

"Uh-huh.'

"Yeah it's fine. I mean someone has to keep McSteamy in business." Emmett added.

Carlisle, who had just returned with his medical equipment, threw a scalpel at Emmett. It bounced harmlessly off his massive forearm.

:"All right, all right. I won't call McSteamy anymore." Emmett held his hands up in surrender.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome...McDreamy."

**Wow, Emmett can be so weird sometimes can't he? Anyway five reviews for the last chapter anonymous reviews accepted, if I don't get the chapter up right away don't worry, its probably just me being lazy**


	11. Chapter 11

**Oh my Carlisle! It's the last chapter! Thank you to everyone who reviewed, you helped me get over a hundred reviews for the first time ever! (Oh and a special thank you to alice, who forced all of her friends to review) Anyway here is the last chapter!!!!**

**Number one: Run around the Emergency Room screaming "I've been bitten! I've been bitten!"**

Jasper stood at the entrance to Forks hospital's emergency room, Alice by his side, pleading with Emmett. "Don't make me do this. Please it's just too humiliating."

Emmett grinned manically. "Nope, sorry bro, you lost the race and now you have to suffer."

"Alice, remind me again why you didn't warn me about this?" Jasper demanded.

"Because, it could have gone either way, I didn't see that you would lose until the race had already begun and by then it was too late." she rubbed his arm soothingly "I'm sorry but on the bright side at least there's only four people in the room."

"Yeah, Edward, Bella, her FATHER, AND CARLISLE!"

Emmet clamped a hand over Jasper's mouth. "Shh! Do you want the others to hear you?"

Jasper growled menacingly and attempted to bite a chunk off of Emmett's hand, but it was yanked away just in time. Emmett pointed to the glass door, silently telling Jasper to get a move on. Jasper glared reproachfully at his brother before pushing open the large glass doors.

"I am NEVER playing Burnout with you again..." and with that Jasper took off oat a fairly moderate speed for a human, and launched himself silently over a row of stiff hospital chairs, landing right behind Carlisle.

"The X-rays of Bella's arm show that the bone has completely healed and I think tha-"

"I'VE BEEN BITTEN!" Jasper shrieked a mere inch away from Carlisle's ear.

Charlie – seated in front of Carlisle – sat frozen in his chair, mouth agape, not entirely sure what to do with himself and the young man before him.

Bella and Edward – seated side-by-side next to Charlie – had their faces buried in the other's shoulder stifling their laughter.

Carlisle had jumped about four feet in the air in his surprise. He quickly calmed down however, when he realized that Jasper wasn't quite yet finished, and was jumping around the ER clutching his neck and screaming about the fire and oh how it burned.

Carlisle turned to the still frozen Charlie, muttered a quick "Excuse me for a moment." and seized Jasper by the scruff of his neck, pulled him out of the ER and continued to drag him until he had reached where Emmett and Alice were hiding.

He pushed Jasper over to Alice. "You. Deal with him accordingly." he then turned to Emmett, his topaz eyes positively glowing in his fury. "AND YOU. I will be talking to Rosalie when I get home, expect the worst from her. Oh, and no grizzlies for a month, I'm afraid you'll have to survive off the deer that we bring you until then, because you won't be going hunting either. In fact you won't be doing much of anything other than going to school."

"But-but" Emmett stuttered, but he was too late, Carlisle was already walking away.

**I know I know you all wanted to see Carlisle lose it, but I just couldn't picture him letting loose like that and just punching Emmett in the face (no matter how much he may or may deserve it).**

**Well it is the last chapter and while I am sad to see this story end, I do have other lists, and there may very well be other stories, but I'd like to get some of the other stories that I have posted really going, (I only have the first chapter posted to two different stories and the second ones hardly even begun EEP!) So thanks to all who reviewed, you made me laugh so hard with some of your comments (especially the ones about trying to read this thing in class and not being able to laugh because then you would get caught you know who you are)**


	12. Chapter 12

Okay so I've been MIA for the past few months and I apologize, I've been really busy with well life and stuff and I promise that slowly but surely I am working on the next chapters to my stories and I do know where they will go.

On another note, none of you know this because well, quite frankly, I've never mentioned it here, but I'm just a 'little' shutter happy, and I take quite a few pictures, since I was told I should enter a photo contest, well I did, the cutest pet photo contest, and I'm in the semi finals, and my photo is being published in their next book so please please please please please please please please go vote for my picture of my cat Snickers and leave a comment if you did, it'll make me write faster :)))))))

www(dot)cutestpetcontest(dot)com/view100373941(dot)htm


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